- Yesterday my Aunt Mary called. She is Leah Grace's mother (my cousin who suffered and died at 2 years of age when I was 6 through 8 years old). She was my life. I cared for her so much. I used to watch her sleep. I'd visit her in Children's Hospital, I'd ask for her to be my birthday present. One May Aunt Mary had Leah Grace in the Bahama's for some alternative medicine clinic as any mother would after conventional medicine wasn't helping. Mary says that during a phone conversation she had asked me what I wanted for my birthday and I said I wanted to see Leah. Well, Leah became deathly ill and had to be rushed back to Buffalo and I did get my birthday present. I got to see Leah in the Children's Hospital. I remember thinking it might be the last time I'd ever see her and I almost think it was. My birthday was May 31st and she passed on June 8, but not before telling my Aunt Laurie, "I all done now" or something along those heart wrenching lines. I could wash the world's orphans with the tears I've cried over my baby lost to brain cancer. When my mom told me about her death, I screamed, "LIAR!!!LIAR!!!!! I HATE YOU!!!!!!!! LIAR!!!!!!" and I ran outside and sobbed uncontrollably under a beautiful bloomed lilac tree and tried to filter out my Dad's drunken inquires and the horrid sound of Michael Jackson's "Thriller" that he was blasting in the garage. My depression intensified, not began, but intensified in the face of losing my only true love. I wanted to die. At 8 years old, I wanted to die. On the day of her funeral, they gave me the heart shaped pillow that was placed on her shouldn't-even-have-to-be-made sized coffin, but they wouldn't let me attend the funeral.
- After, I still liked to go to Aunt Mary's house, but there was a palpable hollowness throughout. I'd fall on the floor in Leah's room and beg God to give her back. "JUST GIVE HER BACK!!" I did this in secret, I didn't want to make my Aunt any sadder than she already was, but she was a very good Aunt and she knew I was despairing. She told me, and I remember it clear as day, "Don't worry Laura, when you grow up, you can have a baby girl and you can name her Leah." After the Lord kept giving me boys, I became doubtful and went on the birth control pill. I tried to schedule a tubal ligation. The doctor was out and I couldn't discuss it with him. My mom told me I shouldn't do it, that I "needed a baby girl" to which I responded in indignant disbelief and annoyance, "phhfffff! I obviously only can have boys! I don't want any more boys!" On my Grandmother's birthday, I discovered that I was pregnant, again. Seems that the pill made me more fertile. At the first ultrasound, the doctor said I had an empty womb and that I was probably having a tubal pregnancy. They wanted to do emergency surgery, but we waited it out and chose hospital admittance and surveillance, because I was asymptomatic. I felt fine, physically, but, was devastated emotionally. I was cursing God. "Why would you do such a miracle only to kill my baby!! I HATE YOU!" The next day I checked myself out. I went back two days later for another ultrasound. There were two sacs on the screen. No one had to tell me: I KNEW I SAW MY BABIES. I went back for another ultrasound on Febuary 14th. I saw two heart beats on Valentine's Day. I went back again and again and again and everything was perfect. I went back again and saw what I knew I'd see: my two baby girls, each with their own perfect parts and both FEMALE!!!!!! On the way to that ultrasound I was again doubting and God showed me a sign. He showed a church sign that said, "Let the light of Christ shine in your heart." Leah means "light of my heart." I knew I'd see her that day. Baby A was named Leah Marie. Marie is my middle name and my Mother's middle name. Baby B was named Zoe Elizabeth. Zoe means "full of life" which is also the meaning of Ramon's paternal grandmother's name, Vivian. Elizabeth is my Grandmother's middle name, Aunt Mary's middle name, and Ramon's maternal Grandmother's name. I hated God and in return, he gave me a double portion. "He said look how good I am!" After cursing my God and my Savior, I did not deserve to have a baby, but He is God and He is beautiful beyond description. HE GAVE ME A DOUBLE PORTION.
- Remember at the onset of this I told you that my Aunt Mary called yesterday? She called me to encourage me. She, who lost so much, called me "to rejoice in the Lord always." Today, my Aunt Laurie sent me this email, which touched my spirit:
Malachi 3:3
Malachi 3:3 says: 'He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver.'
This verse puzzled some women in a Bible study and they wondered what this statement meant about the character and nature of God. One of the women offered to find out the process of refining silver and get back to the group at their next Bible Study.
That week, the woman called a silversmith and made an appointment to watch him at work. She didn't mention anything about the reason for her interest beyond her curiosity about the process of refining Silver.
As she watched the silversmith, he held a piece of silver over the fire and let it heat up. He explained that in refining silver, one needed to hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames were hottest as to burn away all the impurities.
The woman thought about God holding us in such a hot spot; then she thought again about the verse that says: 'He sits as a refiner and purifier of silver.'
She asked the silversmith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of the fire the whole time.
The man answered that yes, he not only had to sit there holding the silver, but he had to keep his eyes on the silver the entire time it was in the fire. If the silver was left a moment too long in the flames, it would be destroyed.
The woman was silent for a moment. Then she asked the silversmith, 'How do you know when the silver is fully refined?'
He smiled at her and answered, 'Oh, that's easy -- when I see my image in it.'
If today you are feeling the heat of the fire , remember that God has his eye on you and will keep watching you until He sees His image in you.
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